我思因我在 美文閱讀

我思因我在

Ａｎｎａ

It is impossible to know all the thoughts and experiences that merge together to make a person. Countless images flash through my mind when I think how I have come to find myself. These images are like the 1)shards of a broken mirror, each piece reflecting a part, each piece connecting with the others to make a whole. As I gaze into the angular pieces of glass searching for their meanings, several similar scenes, each played out by different people, catch my eye. Placing them side-by-side, I find that these images are the same, and they reveal an essential part of my being.

The scenes begin with someone asking a young girl whether she is Chinese, Japanese or Korean.

“My parents are from Hong Kong, but I was born here in the United States,” is her reply.

It seems automatic for people to follow with, “Do you speak Chinese?”

“I speak very little Cantonese,” she replies. At this point, one of two things happens: the person with whom she is speaking becomes either 2)indignant or fascinated.

If the person she is speaking to is Chinese, he or she would often react with disappointment and hurt pride. She would be presumed to have joined the ranks of young Asians who “seek to 3)annihilate Chinese culture and its values.” This person would turn away from her and start speaking to her parents. They would say that she is not worthy of possessing her shiny black hair and dark 4)almond eyes. Hurtful whispers would crystallize into a rod of pain that to be thrust into her chest and the tears that appear would be difficult to hide. She knows at her core that she is not worthless, disrespectful or selfish, even if she is not the 5)idyllic Asian daughter, but the 6)agony would renew itself every time she hears the whispers.

In a conversation with someone not Asian, he may ask if she could teach him to say something in Cantonese. She’d 7)oblige, but could not help ??thinking that he is probably assuming things about her, “She’s smart; she must play the violin or piano; she’s good at math; she’s always respectful of her parents; she’s submissive; she doesn’t get into trouble; she’s only interested in school...”

It is human nature to create pictures of someone’s life from initial appearances, but it should be just that: a first impression. There are people who think they know her future before having talked to her, and presume that she wants to become a doctor or a lawyer. The notion that she aspires to be an independent filmmaker is alien to their minds. She is trapped in a cage of others’ expectations. They lose interest in her because they think they already know the details of her life.

Although I nearly drowned in the reflections of pain and frustration, they ultimately saved me. My soul, longing to stay alive, 8)incited my mind to develop a strong sense of self. If I were not secure in my identity, it would be lost to what others imagined it to be. I was resolute. I was not going to let anyone who thought I should be more conventional make me feel guilty for my lack of conformity. Some will always see me as a “9)twinkie,” yellow on the outside and white on the inside, or the “Asian girl,” submissive and 10)detached.

Those who take the time to get to know me would see a person who loves literature, music, film, theater and art; an open-minded environmentalist; human rights advocate; embracer of Chinese traditions; and hater of intolerance and 11)self-righteousness. The glass shards that initially wounded me have become part of the fusion creating my complete reflection.

我們無法瞭解組成一個人的全部思想和經歷。當我思考我是如何找到自己時，數不清的形象閃過我的腦海。這些形象猶如一面破鏡的碎片，每一塊都反射出一個局部，每一塊都與其他碎片共同組成一個整體。當我凝視棱角分明的玻璃碎片，尋求它們的意義時，一些相似的場景——每一個都由不同的人來上演——吸引了我的眼球。並置這些形象時，我發現它們都是一樣的，都顯示了我生命的一個基本部分。

這些場景始於某人問一個小女孩她是中國人、日本人還是韓國人。

“我爸媽來自香港，但我在美國這裏出生。”這就是她的.回答。

人們總會很自然地接着問道：“你會說中國話嗎？”

“我只會說幾句粵語，”她回答道。這時會發生以下兩種情況之一：跟她說話的那個人或是變得忿忿不平，或是興趣盎然。

如果和她說話的那個人是中國人，他/她經常會表現出失望和自尊心受損的樣子。她會被對方自動歸入那些“企圖泯除中國文化和價值觀”的年輕一代亞洲人的行列。這個人將離開她，開始和她父母講話。他們會說她不配擁有亮澤的黑髮和深色的杏眼。傷人的竊竊私語將具體轉化爲直插她胸口的一棒子痛，涌出的淚難以掩藏。她知道自己實質上並不是一文不值的，她既沒有忘祖，也不自私，即使她不是那些過着恬靜閒適生活的亞洲人的女兒，但每一次她聽到那些私語，痛苦就會重現。

如果交談的對象不是亞洲人，他可能會請她用粵語教他說一些東西。她會幫忙，但忍不住會想，他很可能已經形成對她的成見了：“她很聰明；她一定會拉小提琴或者彈鋼琴；她數學很好；她總是孝敬父母；她很順從；她不曾招惹麻煩；她只對唸書感興趣……”

透過最初的表象來設想某人生活的圖景，這是人的本性，但那應該僅僅侷限於：第一印象。有人還沒有和她談過，就認爲自己知道她的未來，並認定她想要成爲醫生或者律師。他們絕對預料不到，她立志要成爲一名獨立的電影製作人。她被困於他人預想的囚籠裏。他們對她不再感興趣，因爲他們認爲他們已經對她的生活了如指掌了。

雖然我幾乎溺死在痛苦和沮喪的沉思中，這些苦想最終營救了我。我那渴望生命力的靈魂，刺激我的頭腦去發展一種強烈的自我意識。如果我的身份認同不堅定，它就會被他人的想象所戰勝。我很堅定。我不準備讓任何認爲我應該更保守一點的人，使我爲自己的不隨大流而感到內疚。一些人總是把我看成一個“香蕉妹”，外表是黃種人，內心卻是白種人，或者認爲我是“亞洲女孩”，會順從，不合羣。

那些花時間瞭解我的人將發現我是一個熱愛文學、音樂、電影、戲劇和藝術的人；一個觀念開放的環保主義者；人權的倡導者；中國文化的擁護者；還是一個憎恨心胸偏狹與僞善的人。起初傷害我的那些玻璃碎片，已經交融爲我整體形象的一部分。